something terrible

Yesterday might have been the worst day of my life. In a period of 24 hours I puked about... 40 times. I hate puking. I never puke. It was awful. All that was coming up was stomach acid and bile. At one point I stopped being able to move or get up. I felt like my body was shutting down. WHICH resulted in a little visit to the ER. lovely.  Apparently I was extremely dehydrated (go figure). Im not exactly sure why it got so bad, but it did. I laid there about 4 hours and received some meds and 3 liters of saline, then went home. Done throwing up? nope. I have no idea what the hell was/ is wrong. I have not moved from my bed, but I sure hope its over. And I hope I never experience something like that again. 

The ER is a very interesting place. I felt like I was not fully with it, in and out of sleep the entire time. But I have always been a people watcher, and in the moments I was awake, I found it intriguing and intense. I felt absolutely horrible and a little scared about what was going on with my body, and when we got there all I wanted was for someone to take care of me. I felt like I needed that, thats why people go to the ER right? right. So, I was not the only one. Everyone there comes with a desire to be cared for and given attention, and if others were in the same mindset as me upon arrival, they probably thought their problems needed immediate attention and the most care too. But the longer I laid in that bed and the more people came through the doors, the less sorry I felt for myself and the less important I felt like my care was. A man next to me kept having people run in and out of his room, and was having to be shocked- his kids were bawling in the hall. Now THAT is terrible. The dynamics of the nurses working together and the way they came in and out of my room to check my IV or bring me blankets, ended up feeling like something I didn't deserve. I couldn't exactly have my nurse sit down, and get myself out of bed to bring her some water. But by the end, I wanted to. It feels great to have someone take care of you, to be there for you, to tell you everything is going to be okay. Yet at the same time, this is hard for me accept. I have this hang up between trying to do it all myself and allowing myself to need others. Ultimately I know its some of both, after all I think that we were created to be with people, and we can't do it alone. I know that I can't. I also know that on my worst days, it could be worse. And I am still thankful for what I do have.